


never be free

by kontent



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: 500 Words Challenge, Brotherly Love, Childhood Trauma, Crying, Family Feels, Gen, Guilt, Hopeful Ending, Insomnia, Introspection, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, suicide ideation, very very briefly and only hinted at
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-13 12:20:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21243983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kontent/pseuds/kontent
Summary: There were nights Damian couldn’t breathe. He knew, rationally, that his lungs had not given out. He knew, rationally that he was fine, they couldn’t hurt them, Father would never let them-He would never let them take Damian away. He loved him. He would save him. Right?





	never be free

**Author's Note:**

> _I can't scrub off the black from my lungs_  
_I can't wipe off the taste from my tongue_  
matt maeson, the hearse
> 
> I rated this as G because it's not explicit, but if you feel I should push the rating up, please let me know.

There were nights Damian couldn’t breathe. He knew, rationally, that his lungs had not given out. He knew, rationally, that he was fine, they couldn’t hurt them, Father would never let them-

He would never let them take Damian away. He loved him. He would save him. Right?

_ One day, you will be the head of the demon. _

He had been excited. He had been proud. Now his stomach turned when he thought of that day, now all he remembered was the sticky feeling of blood on his hands. He didn’t think anyone could understand that - his siblings didn’t have that kind of blood on their hands.

Jason had killed, but not… not innocent people. Cassandra had killed someone, but it was not quite the same. She had run after the first time. She had seen that there had to be a better way. And he - he hadn’t run. He hadn’t even thought of it. 

Damian wasn’t sure when he had started to cry, but the tears slid down his cheeks, burning hot. 

He didn’t like crying. It made his skin feel raw and sticky, and it made his throat itch, and- and he wanted to be held. He wanted someone to hug him. Richard always said it was okay to seek comfort, but Damian knew better. If someone was here, holding him, he would want to tell them, but he wouldn’t be able to. He knew his words would get stuck in his throat, that he would just cry and not tell them anything. Richard would probably tell him that it was okay to be non-verbal while crying, if he knew. But he didn’t know.

He tried to wipe away the tears, but his cheeks wouldn’t stop feeling sticky. It reminded him of blood splatter on his skin, drops running over his skin. He hadn’t felt the real sensation in a long time, but that didn’t stop him from remembering. 

_ I am proud of you, Damian. _

Damian knew that his hands would always feel sticky with blood dripping off them. He wanted to be clean, he wanted to be _ good enough _\- but he knew he wasn’t. His father, his siblings, even his mother, they told him otherwise, they even believed it, but they didn’t know. They didn’t know what it meant to dream of blood and ash and death. They didn’t know Damian still woke up with Timothy’s empty eyes burned behind his eyelids, with his grandfather’s voice in his head.

Damian wrapped his arms around his knees, trying to calm himself down. It was fine. His family was asleep, they wouldn’t know he had been dreaming of that again. They wouldn’t know that, in his dreams, he still wanted to hear that. They didn’t know that in those moments after he woke up, in the darkest night, he wished he wouldn’t wake up. 

It was fine. Timothy was not hurt, nobody was hurt. Nobody would be hurt tonight, Father would protect them all. Damian was sure of that.


End file.
